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I tried out the best new cleaning gadgets to find out which ones are actually worth the money

It’s not that we don’t take care of our carpets, it’s just that we have two children and they are not careful, and carelessness can be contagious. There comes a tipping point and you think, “I don’t know why my instinct is to tell them not to put their hands on the walls. The walls are so far from redemption that I might as well grease them with my own hands. It’s like the broken windows theory: once some degradation occurs, it simply encourages more degradation.

So the Bissell Portable Carpet and Upholstery Cleaner (£99) couldn’t have come at a better time. If it takes me ages to learn how to use it, it’s almost certainly due to my own technical ineptitude. (Although note to manufacturers: it’s nice to have words in manuals and slightly misleading photos).

I finally get to work. And my god is it worth the bother. I turn it on and the chemicals I poured are sprayed onto the carpet and some onto my lip. Apparently they’re not corrosive, so I’m just a little panicked. It was probably my fault for getting too close and I was in awe of the miracle of what was happening: it worked. The ancient marks and stains on my carpet disappeared before my eyes. In seconds. Alleluia! I finally understand the life-changing magic of getting out of these damn places.

Of course, you can imagine that applying a bottle of carpet cleaner and wiping the marks with a sponge would produce similar results. However, this would require a type of lubricant that I am sorely lacking at this point in the day. Choose the lazy solution. If necessary, I can always mortgage the house.

  • Success level: 9/10
  • Satisfaction Level: 8/10 (once I figured out how to use it)
  • Ease of storage: 3/10
  • Overall rating: 8/10